Mindful Communication

As this new year begins, I find myself walking in mountain snow, ruminating about how mindful communication is one of my most valuable tools—yet I don’t always use it.

Sometimes, due to trauma, I can freeze, flee, or proclaim an immediate fix instead of choosing mindful communication. I liken it to going into “military mode,” completely serious and focused.

In these moments, in my mind, there is no room for error—I’m quickly trying to prevent something bad. I assume there’s no time to pause and be mindful. Or I completely forget.

While this is entirely normal for someone with my lived experience, this is not my ideal way to communicate. I’d rather use my mindful communication skills in these moments.

For instance, it was my default to use mindful communication while working with clients. That is easy for me to do (I love it). It’s required, in fact. That is where my skills must be used.

But in my personal life, I’ve allowed myself to set those mindful communication skills aside and relax because that was required, too—to have time off from work.

However, I think I’ve taken a little too much time off work.

So, this year, I want to keep the mindful communication skills below close to me at all times. I want to use them to maintain a mindful presence, to listen mindfully, and to speak mindfully.

This is my goal.

Awareness

My first—and the foundational—step in mindful communication is to be mindfully aware, which is to:

• pause

• witness (free of judgment)

  • what am I feeling?

  • where am I feeling it?

  • what is this feeling tempting me to do (my tone, my words, my actions)?

• breathe (until those feelings pass)

This places me in a calm and steady state (which reminds me of my Swedish immigrant grandpa, born in the 1800s, and my step-grandpa—the calmest and steadiest men I’ve known).

Smile

I used to automatically smile more when greeting others. I love warm, mindful greetings. My first job as a counter employee required it, so smiling was imprinted early.

More and more, though, I’ve forgotten to smile while out and about. Usually, it’s because I’m thinking about something, assessing something, or navigating what’s in front of me.

But I always feel better when I smile. Smiling helps facilitate meaningful connections with others. It makes my mind and body feel happier.

I want to smile and remain present with others in that brief moment.

Kindness

I also used to automatically think about, feel, and visibly extend more kindness. I cared about being mindfully kind.

But, more and more, it seems like I’ve only been thinking about or feeling kindness—I’ve been forgetting to visibly extend kindness to others.

Including strangers. And strangers are everywhere.

When we visibly show kindness to one another, we grow warmth in the world.

I want to mindfully pause and extend more visible kindness.

Listen (With Empathy)

To learn from another, I need to listen mindfully (with empathy).

This means staying focused on what another is saying—at that very moment. This means not letting my mind wander elsewhere. This person I’m listening to receives all of my attention.

I turn toward them. I look at them. I listen to them. I cease all other activities.

Of course, as soon as someone shares a challenge, I have a switch that can turn on inside of me that takes me into fix-it mode, which is not my place to be.

That is the moment I stop listening. That is the moment I stop being empathetic.

I want to listen with empathy more.

Pause

I’ve wished many times that I was naturally gifted with an ability to mindfully pause myself.

But I was raised in chaos, so I grew up knowing I’d rarely be able to speak an entire sentence without being interrupted multiple times. I was usually bulldozed over completely.

I either became silent or tried to quickly fit an entire story into whatever small gap appeared. But that’s not an ideal habit when out in the world.

So when another speaks, I always want to remember to pause myself—until another has fully completed everything they want to say.

I want to pause myself so others can be fully heard.

Curiosity

I am, naturally, extremely curious. I would love to ask everyone a million questions—and often, it seems I do.

But if I hear something that doesn’t sound comfortable to me, I can quickly assume something that might not be true.

Instead, if I remain curious—ask more questions—I can fully understand another. I can ensure I gain clarity.

And if I remember to be curious in a mindful way (be present, free of judgment, witness, breathe), inquiring further becomes less frightening.

In uncomfortable moments, I want to remain mindfully curious, to gain clarity.

Reflect (With Empathy)

After I’ve listened to another (with empathy), paused, then remained curious, I want to mindfully reflect to them (with empathy) what they have said to me.

Some might call this paraphrasing—listening, then using my own words to reflect what they have said. Some might call this mirroring—repeating key parts, word for word.

Throughout this process, I want to remember the following:

• this is not about me

• this is about reflecting to another what they have just said

• my tone remains empathetic

This action keeps me focused on what they have said. This step shows them that they are heard and validated.

After I’ve reflected (with empathy), they often feel gratitude for being heard and validated. Or they will explain further, clarifying what I’ve not accurately understood.

This can bring gratitude to both of us. It typically helps propel them toward their next step—whatever they deem their next step will be. It’s not for me to determine. This is their journey.

Silence

I find there is a time and a place to be mindfully silent. For me, it’s upon waking, while listening to others, and if I ever need space to gather myself.

For instance, I want to remain silent (and breathe) if anyone, including myself, is not interested in being impeccable with words or actions. Such moments might look like this:

• mindless talk

• superficial talk

• competitive talk

• arrogant talk

• hostile talk

• making assumptions (not researching facts)

• taking things personally

• becoming defensive

• expecting another to agree one is right

• turning a conversation into an argument

• uninterested in being honest

• uninterested in being accountable

• uninterested in being vulnerable

• uninterested in growth

• uninterested in doing one’s best

• ignoring cues (appropriateness, boundaries, comfort)

If I don’t remain silent during such moments, I might say something that could cause harm. Even unintentionally. And that harm would hurt me as much as it would hurt another.