How to Build a Community (and Avoid Loneliness) While Traveling Slowly
We don’t often talk about how to build a community (and avoid loneliness) while traveling slowly, even though loneliness is a common travel concern.
Building a community can also be extra important for those of us who have experienced trauma, whether we’re living in one location or moving about the world.
In fact, even though I love my independence and I love to travel, there was a time when I’d feel an unexpected sense of loss whenever I traveled. Familiarity had fallen away—predictability, knowingness.
My body felt an empty aloneness. It was as if I needed to be held by a safe and loving person, but it also felt like no person could hug that feeling away.
This happened even though I was excited to be traveling. This happened even when I was traveling with others I knew.
In these moments, these feelings would also remind me of the times in my life when I’d been sacrificed, neglected, or abandoned.
So uprooting myself into new situations brought on these feelings, but it wasn’t until I no longer experienced these feelings that I realized what made them go away.
In case it helps another feel comfort, too, here’s how I’ve built community (how I avoid loneliness) while I travel slowly…
A list of values
I always held a list in my head of what I value, but until I wrote it down, I didn’t truly surround myself with all that I love.
It’s almost unbelievable, the power this list has, written down. Especially since what I value brings me comfort and a sense of community:
kindness
choosing kind hosts
surrounding myself with kind people
(avoiding personality types that repeatedly harm)
safe, clean, beautiful (to my eye) surroundings
not perfection
not fancy
things like simplicity are beautiful to me
private apartment
at a reasonable monthly rate
to feel settled
to enjoy kitchen/food prep
to enjoy a private bathroom
to enjoy a private washer/dryer
a smoke-free sanctuary
to be surrounded by the local community
lodge within walking distance to basic needs
bio/health food store
farmer’s market
veg cafes/restaurants
vibrant old towns
for coziness
for character
for the sweet elders (grandparents, history, wisdom) still there
for architecture
away from (as much as possible) conventional suburban infrastructure—strip malls, hotel chains, business districts, condos, roads, autos, traffic
participate in meaningful experiences
churches/temples (even though I’m not religious)
experience another’s cultural tradition
feel a part of something bigger than myself
enjoy a temporary loving environment
find a positive in their message
appreciate the art, history, architecture
enjoy a community snack/meal together
leave a donation for their community efforts
classes
ceramics
cooking
dance
drama
drawing
glasswork
jewelry making
music
painting
photography
poetry
pottery
printmaking
sculpture
videography
writing
photograph/share their cause with others
volunteer (if visa rules allow this)
donate to their cause
galleries/museums
art
history
photography
mindful events
at local retreat centers
Dalai Lama events
Thich Nhat Hanh events
nature
hiking
enjoy parks/forests
soothing water
at local health food stores
at farmer’s markets
at annual veg festivals
Travel where it’s possible to find what one values
I look at my list above, then I travel to where it’s going to be possible to find and experience these things that I value.
Meaning, even though (in the past) I’ve traveled and lived every which way (uncomfortably, existing long-term with less than healthy food and personalities), I know that’s not sustainable on any healthy level.
It’s important to me to instead spend time supporting that which supports the growth of healthy individuals, healthy experiences—healthy communities.
Include (pack) items that provide familiar comfort
It’s been powerful to pack meaningful items I love (that are also travel practical, compact, lightweight), creating my own little feeling of home wherever I go.
I’ve carried a little painting that is thin and light enough to fit in the door of my suitcase, little ceramic discs to use as bedside decorations, and my baby spoon (tucked safely in my carry-on) for scooping my matcha tea. The options are endless.
With so much change all around us, these items provide consistency and familiarity no matter where we are, support more sustainable travel, and make all the difference in happiness.
This brings great comfort.
Avoid difficult tasks at night
I’ve found it super helpful to save difficult tasks (and concerning topics) for daylight hours.
So I try to arrive at my destination during daylight hours. This makes transport from the airport feel safer. This makes it easier to adjust to my new surroundings.
Because, until a location becomes familiar, trying to find our way around, or trying to buy the things we need (to settle in), can feel far more difficult when it’s dark out.
I also avoid researching concerning topics on the internet, pondering worst-case scenarios, or even thinking about concerns (unless it’s an emergency, of course) when it’s dark out.
Difficulties definitely feel lighter and easier when handled in the light of day—allowing me to rely on community, which eliminates feelings of loneliness.
Embrace a routine
While this may sound counterintuitive, embracing the same routine wherever I travel has been a stabilizing foundation, providing familiar comfort.
I leave plenty of free time—and can change things up whenever I wish—but I tend to stick with the same (general) routine:
enjoy tea
have breakfast
catch up (on food prep, tidying, laundry, the computer)
go for a walk (sightsee, errands)
enjoy lunch/fika (visit a favorite local cafe)
let the afternoon decide itself
finish food and beverages at least four hours before bedtime (for calm sleep)
enjoy soothing evening time
work on the computer
text/video/chat with loved ones
snuggle with my boyfriend
read/watch something positive together at night
sleep for at least 7.5 hours
Connect meaningfully with individuals in the community
This is one of the most important community-building actions, no matter where I travel.
When encountering others during the day (Uber drivers, hosts, landlords, neighbors, elders, store staff, restaurant staff, those teaching classes, tour leaders), I try to connect meaningfully.
Genuine warmth, smiling, practicing new language skills, asking questions, and getting to know them.
This makes life so much more meaningful, even when briefly passing another.
Even if we can’t speak the same language, we can still find basic ways to communicate.
To express warmth and appreciation (while respecting another’s personal space), I place my hand over my heart (or place my hands together in front of my chest), even bow, and smile with deep gratitude.
I’ve typed up notes on my computer in English, then translated them online to another’s language, and written that translation down onto paper, handing that note to another in their language.
I like to show appreciation for another by chatting, continuing to buy from their business, or even bringing them a small gift (a bouquet, a special treat, or card).
I also like to make sure I say a special goodbye when it’s time to travel slowly to the next place.
Focus on those in need
Sometimes the best way for me to build community and avoid loneliness is by thinking about all those around us who are in need.
This helps me see how to maybe take meaningful action to help another or help a volunteer organization—bring a meal or a gift they might enjoy, officially volunteer (if visas allow).
It’s such a special way to meet, get to know, and appreciate others.
Focus on what’s happening in this moment
If I’ve not been building or maintaining my community around me (and I’m feeling lonely), or if something’s happened that has me feeling down, one of the quickest ways to pull myself out of it is to stay in this moment.
And this moment. And this moment. To focus only on what’s directly in front of me.
The conversation with myself (or if supporting someone else) goes something like this:
What’s in front of you? (my computer)
What color is it? (silver)
What are you doing now? (looking at it)
What else are you doing now? (talking on the phone)
What are you using to talk on the phone? (my cell phone)
What color is it? (white)
etc.
What’s funny is that this soon becomes boring, distracting me from feeling funky, and moves me into a place of wanting to quickly accomplish something else.
Connect with loved ones from afar
Being fairly independent, I have to remember to schedule time on the calendar to reach out to loved ones near and far.
Texting, emailing, and Zooming can help everyone feel close.
When I’ve wanted to stay especially close, I’ve even called and texted while I’m out walking, taking loved ones along with me as I roam around.
Meet Up with kind People
When we’re missing kind loved ones as we travel, it’s still possible to meet up in person and share meaningful experiences together.
We can meet up around the world. So much is possible. We just have to choose this.
Other kind travelers can also meet up with us when we travel near their hometown—or when we’re where they’re traveling, too.
Remember feelings are temporary (and breathe)
Again, if I’ve neglected to build my community around me or something has me feeling down, I also remind myself that feelings are temporary, that they’re meant to fluctuate.
Especially since new situations bring new possibilities, including new feelings—which will pass by me to make room for even more feelings.
In fact, writing this reminds me of all the times in the past where I felt uncomfortable feelings and I’d quietly breathe through them, without realizing I was doing that.
I was sure that I was the only person feeling such feelings, and because my background was filled with so much trauma, I was afraid to voice what was happening within me.
So I just witnessed what was happening within me while breathing my way through it … until those uncomfortable feelings passed (while hoping nobody noticed).
An innocent state of mindful breathing if you will.
Remember there is Always support
Life is precious. We are navigating our existence on a rotating globe. It is healthy for everyone to reach out for support at any time along the way. I love that there are tremendous resources for all of us to use now, no matter where we go:
every mind matters (amazing free Mind Plan, email support, plus suggestions for helping others)
free crisis text support (so wonderful that this exists!)
free tele-counseling is often offered through health insurance plans now (so worth checking into)
Listen to wise words
I also like to listen to wise words from others in any given community. Words that help propel us forward with more understanding.
It’s our youth who are often brave enough to share what we adults can ignore. Here’s Ruby Moss, a youth Irish singer/songwriter, who sums up so much on this (which also happens to be her very first song).
