Essay: How the Lifelong Impact of Child Abuse Can Travel, Too
No matter where we travel or live in this world, the lifelong impact of child abuse can travel along with some of us, too. What has happened to us can become a part of our mind-body health as we roam this world. Endless child abuse victims could write this essay on the lifelong impact of abuse. If it were safe for them to tell their story. If it were safe for them to share their trauma. If it were safe for them to simply share facts. Because those facts are enough on their own. But, all too often, child abuse victims don’t feel safe sharing their stories, even in adulthood—especially when, all too often, the abuse didn’t end after childhood.
Once upon a time, an innocent child was born
Once upon a time, an innocent child was born. This child had a harmful parent. No matter how the child tried to connect with the harmful parent, the harmful parent harmed the child. This harmful parent also allowed others to harm the child.
This child was a victim of child abuse—long-term stress that the brain is not built to endure
An abuser violates a child like this by choosing to:
emotionally neglect the victim
call the victim names
demean the victim
insult the victim
shame the victim
humiliate the victim
swear at the victim
criticize the victim’s strengths and achievements
tell the victim they can’t do anything right
prevent the victim from attending meaningful activities
manipulate the victim to speak first, to discover the victim’s weaknesses
use the victim’s weaknesses to exploit the victim
threaten to create the victim’s worst fear
manipulate the victim to do unwanted acts
bully the victim, claiming “expert” authority to do so
imitate, mock, or use sarcasm on the victim
gas-light the victim
stage negative surprises on the victim
stalk the victim
confront the victim where the abuser holds power
direct intimidating stares toward the victim
direct intimidating tones toward the victim
direct intimidating body language toward the victim
threaten the victim with violence (even if it isn’t carried out)
abuse others in front of the victim
shout at the victim
rage at the victim
damage the victim’s belongings
chase down the victim
pull the victim’s hair
drag the victim by the hair
bite the victim
slap the victim
hit the victim
punch the victim
kick the victim
don’t allow the victim to eat or sleep safely
play dumb to the victim’s needs
fake frailty in front of the victim
force the victim to fulfill the abuser’s responsibilities
refuse to respond to the victim’s calls/messages
manipulate facts when talking to the victim: lie, exaggerate, understate, accuse
twist stories about the victim to present the victim as someone they’re not
manufacture then spread unfathomable rumors, far and wide, about the victim
deny abusing the victim
minimize abuse of the victim
make excuses for abusing the victim
claim someone else abused the victim
mock the abuse of the victim
refuse to take responsibility for abusing the victim
sarcastically/meaningfully/never apologize for the abuse—then repeat the abuse
force the victim to apologize for the abuser’s abuse
delay fact-finding to protect the abuser from accountability
etc. (sadly, there can be many more ways to abuse)
Many people believe a child isn’t abused unless someone else witnesses the abuse
Many people believe a child isn’t abused unless someone else sees bruises, internal or external. Many people believe child abuse ends at a certain age, place, or time. However, it’s vital to know:
abuse can happen when nobody is around to witness it
abuse can happen quietly, around a corner
abuse can happen slyly, in conversation
abuse can happen sarcastically, in front of guests
abuse can happen angrily, out in the open
abuse can happen nearly every night after the abuser walks through the door
abuse can happen right before the abuser happily answers the phone
abuse can happen right before the abuser smiles and welcomes guests to a party
abused victims often do everything in their power to hide the abuse
abuse toward a victim can, all too often, continue on and on—daily, weekly, monthly—for years, even after the child has become an adult
Many people believe child abuse can be easily overcome, but that couldn’t be further from the truth for many of us
Science tells us that child abuse is like taking a knife to a child’s brain, cutting the brain’s wiring, forcing the brain to rewire itself, which can trigger brain damage. This can cause the child to potentially suffer a lifetime of challenges, such as:
the inability to tell the difference between safety and danger
the inability to trust those closest to them
the inability to interpret neutral information as neutral
the inability to control impulses
the inability to learn
the inability to remember
the inability to use serotonin (the neurotransmitter that creates a sense of well-being and emotional stability)
anxiety
addiction
aggression
autoimmune illness
etc.
victims of child abuse can also receive a default destiny
They are more likely to live a future filled with more abuse.
Victims of child abuse often believe they are experiencing normal life. Or a humiliating life they want to hide from the world. Victims of abuse often don’t realize they are actually being abused.
Victims of abuse often don’t know what non-abusive humans truly look like, sound like, or act like. Also, healthy behaviors can feel odd or uncomfortable to a victim. This can make it hard for a victim to trust healthy people, emotions, or situations … especially for prolonged periods of time.
Victims of abuse do know what looks and feels familiar to them, which they can (unwittingly) be drawn to. While growing up, a victim of abuse can be easily drawn to, surrounded by, and victimized by more abusers. As an adult, victims can accidentally befriend abusers, marry abusers, and be unable to protect themselves and their children from abusers.
these abusers can be female
these abusers can be male
these abusers can be young
these abusers can be old
these abusers can be rich
these abusers can be poor
these abusers can be highly educated
these abusers can be uneducated
these abusers can be employed
these abusers can be unemployed
Tragically, victims may unwittingly live out their entire life with abusers due to the impact of abuse on the victim’s neurochemistry.
Some of the reasons an abuser abuses
abusers have a thinking pattern (value system) that rationalizes/justifies abuse
abusers don’t care if they harm their victims
abusers want to feel psychologically superior
abusers were taught/encouraged to abuse
abusers witnessed violence while growing up
abusers were abused while growing up
abusers like to maintain relationships so that they can violate—exercise power and control over—their victims
abusers suppress their victim’s potential
abusers exploit their victim
abusers manipulate their victim into taking unwanted action
abusers make their victim feel inferior
abusers malign their victim
abusers make their victim look and feel bad in the eyes of others
abusers intentionally confuse their victim
abusers force their victim off balance
abusers make their victim feel fear/uncertainty
abusers manipulate their victim into handling the abuser’s responsibilities
abusers manipulate their victim into acquiescing to the abuser’s demands
abusers malign their victim for doing what the abuser told the victim to do
abusers work hard to hide an abuser’s flaws, weaknesses, and abuse
abusers are filled with jealousy because they cannot connect lovingly with others (such as with their spouse or child, ironically often due to the abuse the abuser inflicts on these victims)
Nobody is immune from becoming a victim of abuse. Abusers can capture anyone, many of whom never realize it until it’s long into it.
An unimaginable form of abuse … when an abuser takes something innocent and twists it into something dirty
Abusers do this to scare the victim into quietly submitting to the abuser … and to prevent the victim from bonding with loved ones.
When an abuser can no longer control their victim, an abuser will control what others think of their victim. Meaning, the abuser will double down on the victim through conversations with others.
As master manipulators, if an abuser doesn’t have information to harm their victim, the abuser will search their own brain to manufacture something only an abuser could fathom. And the more time one spends listening to what that abuser has manufactured, the more likely one is to believe whatever that abuser says.
This means that every time a third party automatically believes an abuser, that third party and the abuser both take part in:
killing the victim’s spirit
killing the victim’s self-worth
killing the victim’s self-confidence
killing the victim’s self-respect
killing the victim’s reality
killing the victim’s truth
killing the victim’s reputation
killing the victim’s safety
killing the victim’s health
This re-traumatizes a victim, over and over.
Victims often never imagine they’ll be abused at the very moment they most need tender Care
A victim often gives an abuser the benefit of the doubt, over and over, especially if their abuser is their parent, sibling, or spouse. A victim often believes that, in their moment of need, an abuser will be loving…at least then.
A victim often trusts that nobody would be so heinous as to want to harm them, the victim—verbally, psychologically, or otherwise—when they are most in need of tender loving care.
May you never witness what happens instead.
An abuser equals danger
From a lifetime of exposure to abuse/rs, I know how deep and wide the harm can be. I know the devastation when the abuser or family/family friends can’t or won’t comprehend what a victim experiences.
This can be because abusers typically surround themselves with other abusers or those they can manipulate, which means:
family/friends can automatically believe an abuser’s manufactured stories about a victim
family/friends can believe abuse only happened in the past
family/friends have possibly not experienced/witnessed abuse, so they do not believe it
family/friends can normalize abuse in their own life
family/friends can think it’s okay because they abuse, too
family/friends can be afraid of the abuser
Abusers, family, and/or family friends might not know what it’s like to be around someone who wants to live without abuse—who wants to live with decency. Thus, they cannot or will not believe or protect a victim.
As someone who has hoped that family/family friends might believe or protect the victim, I know that’s a rarity. This is precisely when the abuser smirks and escalates the abuse, yet again.
An abuser equals danger. An environment with an abuser equals a dangerous environment.
The definition of evil
Abusers choose to harm. Abusers choose to manipulate to ensure harm.
Abusers attempt to destroy another life. Abusers choose evil.
This is their legacy.
Telling our own stories of abuse
Abuse survivors who decide to share their stories deserve to be heard, protected and respected.
When we tell our stories, we typically don’t want to hurt others, including those who have abused us. Yet we have the right—and responsibility—to tell our story, as this has been our life.
We can also still be afraid of the abuser/s, so we can fear what will happen if we do tell our stories.
We can spend years, or our entire lifetime, holding the trauma inside, especially when we’re around our abuser or those who know our abuser.
The abuse and its trauma can cause us to freeze or flee. It can cause some to fight.
Another might see that we’re quiet, on edge, or that we’re trying hard to be extra happy, especially when our abuser interacts with us or says things about us to others.
Some victims cry out for help in ways that appear to be desperate attempts at seeking attention. It is our duty to protect them, not exploit them.
Loved ones who continue to bond with our abuser often assume something is wrong with us, the victim. That’s what the abuser tells them. That’s how they might interpret our reactions (of horror).
What they should do, though, is inquire compassionately and confidentially with the victim to find out what has happened to us. Yet, if they’re still bonding with the abuser, it’s not safe for us to tell them.
All of this can add to the exhausting reality of being a victim of abuse.
The abuser created this reality—not the victim.
Accountability
Accountability is something I’ve deeply believed in when it comes to abusers, yet it’s one of the most dangerous (and never recommended) things for a victim to attempt. So, in my own life, I’ve had to stay safely distanced to remain safe.
I’ve had to remind myself:
to stay safely away from the abuser
to make a list of every single abuse act they’ve committed and that they continue to attempt to commit (and look at that list whenever I feel conflicted; it brings instant clarity)
if an abuser returns to circle the wagons, have other trained professionals carefully handle the abuser
if I forget to practice my mindfulness skills when an abuser reaches out (if I consider responding to an abuser by attempting a rational conversation with someone incapable of rational functioning), I have to remember the importance of not rummaging through a dumpster (it’s big, it’s dirty, it only gets dirtier)
abusers are abusive by choice (they refuse to get help; they often lie if they do attempt to get help; they blame others for their abuse; they abuse victims even worse after attending help; mental health diagnosis does not cause them to abuse, as there are plenty of narcissists who don’t abuse; the list goes on)
it’s an all too common reality that abuse comes from those who are supposed to love and protect us more than anyone else could supposedly ever be capable of, yet they choose to inflict abuse
to breathe and witness what’s happening within me while keeping myself safely distanced; there are still surprises, but the more I’ve practiced these mindful skills, the easier it’s become … and the more peace I feel
help around the world
It’s normal for all humans to need support at some point in life, no matter where one is traveling or living. I pulled together this crisis support (around the world) page, in case it is helpful.
Safety and Calm
As we heal, we can repeat what we know to be true for ourselves.
We are aware. We are good. We care. We know right from wrong. We have been saved (from the abuse, from becoming like the abuser/s).
If something later happens that makes us feel worse, we can remember how hard we worked to heal ourselves, to create our very own life of safety and calm.
We can visualize this. We can remind ourselves that we have not lost this.
And they can’t touch this. They were not born with such powers.